An Incomplete List of My (Unrequited) Famous Loves

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I’ve had a multitude of famous crushes over the years.

Here are the ones that have had the largest effect on me throughout my life. As you’ll soon see, I have a thing for dark hair and dark skin.

I could have made a complete list of non-famous women with whom I was infatuated – and by whom I was rejected – but I don’t think that’d good for anyone.

In chronological order…

Samantha Micelli (Alyssa Milano) in Who’s the Boss? (1984 – 1992)

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My first crush. Sam was fun, funny, and cute, with a quick tongue and a quicker smile. Alyssa Milano has only gotten more beautiful with age, from  Poison Ivy 2 to Charmed to now.

Sloane Peterson (Mia Sara) in Ferris Bueller’s Day Off (1986)

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I wasn’t ready to fully appreciate Sloane at the age of six or even eight, but even then I knew she was perfect. I recently watched Ferris Bueller’s Day Off again (along with an alternate trailer) and, thirty years later, she’s still perfect.

Winnie Cooper (Danica McKeller) in The Wonder Years (1988 – 1993)

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We’re all Kevin Arnold. All of us – regardless of our gender, race or orientation – have our own Winnie Cooper, that one person that is both our friend and completely unattainable. Like Milano, but unlike so many child stars, Danica McKeller has only gotten better with age. Not only does she still look amazing, but she’s a math wiz and even had a recurring role on The West Wing, so she’s the total package.

Chilli of TLC in the “Creep” video (1994)

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TLC was everywhere in the fall of 1994 and Chilli’s performance in the “Creep” video was always in the forefront of my mind.

Foxy Brown and her Ill Na Na (1996)

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Foxy Brown and Lil’ Kim changed hip-hop forever when they released their debut albums a week apart in 1996 and while Kim was certainly sexy, I would have done anything Foxy Brown asked me to do back then. She oozed sex appeal while spitting hardcore rhymes – a dream combo for me. My undying loyalty to her extended well into 1997.

Amanda Beckett (Jennifer Love Hewitt) in Can’t Hardly Wait (1998)

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This silly film resonated with me. I graduated high school in 1998. I went to parties that were, at least in our minds, just like the one depicted in the film. And I had a crush on a dark haired dream girl like in this film. However, unlike the film we were friends and that’s as far as it went. FYI – Hollywood isn’t real life.

Britney Spears in this poster (1999)

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I wasn’t the biggest Britney fan. Well, I still remember the first time I saw the “…Baby One More Time” video and had I this poster hanging on my dorm room wall sophomore year, so maybe I was a bigger fan than I thought.

Beyoncé in the “Bootylicious” video (2001)

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I watch the “Bootylicious” video now and it’s hard to believe Beyoncé was real at this time. She is still a stunningly beautiful and talented woman – truly an icon – but back in 2001 she seemed to be the creation of fantasy, like an updated edition from Weird Science.

Naturelle Riviera (Rosario Dawson) in 25th Hour (2002)

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Strong. Savvy. Direct. Stunning. Naturelle captivated me so much that her character being Puerto Rican is the reason I married a Puerto Rican woman (that’s not really the reason, but it could be).

Carla Espinosa (Judy Reyes) in Scrubs (2001 – 2009)

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Scrubs is one of my favorite shows ever and Carla Espinosa is a big reason for that. Like so many other women on this list (and in my personal life), Carla looked great, but she also took no shit, stood up for what she believed, and was often fearless. Plus, she knew what kind of disaster season 9 would be, so she bailed at the right time.

Amy Gardner (Mary-Louise Parker) in The West Wing (2001 – 2006)

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I have wit. I have charm. I have brains. I have legs that go all the way down to the floor, my friend.” Amy Gardner described herself better than I ever could and that’s why she’s (probably) my favorite female West Wing character. Plus, Mary-Louise Parker’s work for Esquire, both as a writer and as a subject, are legendary as well.

Katie Nolan in Garbage Time with Katie Nolan (2015 – present)

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Katie Nolan is the future of sports television. She’s snarky and jovial, but she knows her shit and she’s not afraid to speak truth to idiocy, taking a hatchet to the mouth-breathing, misogynistic dolts that have never been on a date, over-the-hill baby boomers that refuse to die like Rick Reilly, and brands that think women need pink jerseys and wine to appreciate sports. Her skills are so clear that even the most bro-tastic bloggers and websites recognize her talents.

Tina Fey (forever)

The perfect mixture of smart and hilarious, as well as beautiful, Tina Fey is the ideal woman. She is dedicated to both her career and her family, helps others to reach their full potential and, by all accounts, is loved by everyone with whom she works. I’m such a fan that I was once compelled to pen an open letter to her to express my admiration. After all, there’s a reason I jokingly refer to her as Tina Fey Pierznik.

Jennifer Lopez (until the end of time)

Jennifer Lopez is an alien. There’s no other explanation.

There are more – Pamela Anderson, Catherine Bell, Carmen Electra, Natalie Portman, Eliza Dushku, Kim Basinger, Julia Louis-Dreyfus, Traci Bingham, Mila Kunis, Eva Mendes, Amanda Seyfried, Tiffani-Amber Thiessen, Sofia Vergara, Michelle Pfeiffer, Tatyana Ali, Rashida Jones, Christina Aguilera, the list goes on and on – but at some point you need to have a cutoff. 


Christopher Pierznik is the author of eight books, all of which can be purchased in paperback and Kindle. His work has appeared on XXL, Cuepoint, Business Insider, Medium, The Cauldron, and many more. Subscribe to his monthly reading review newsletter or follow him on Facebook or Twitter.

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