Embarrassing Confessions

2010-10-20-thesimpsons_neeson

They say the best writing comes from honesty and that is certainly true for me. My best work is when I begin pouring out the things most people would keep inside, like blowing your chance at a threesome.

On the flip side, it’s probably why I suck at crafting fiction.

Warning: some readers may find some of these gross or disgusting. Sorry in advance.

  • I was a virgin until I was 19 (not by choice).
  • In business school, I submitted a paper electronically in the Word 2007 .docx format. The professor asked that I resubmit it in the Word ’97–2003 .doc format. I don’t know what happened, but instead of (a) clicking “Save As” and changing the type or (b) copy and pasting the original into a new document, I retyped the entire thing paper into the earlier version of Word. I’m so dumb.
  • In high school and college, I wrote a total of four poems to girls I liked (but didn’t know). Zero were successful.
  • One of my biggest fears is of mice. There was one in our house in Philly and when I saw it, I pushed my wife in front of me to protect myself. She was pregnant at the time.
  • I was once sleeping naked and woke up with the sudden realization that I had to get to the bathroom immediately. I made it, but some had slipped out along the way. So I was late for work that morning because I was cleaning poop out of the carpet.
  • I have lied about having seen television shows or movies multiple times so as not to slow down a conversation.
  • My dad kinda sorta caught me masturbating once.
  • I was five-years-old when the Dire Straits song “Money for Nothing” was released and when they sang, “Money for nothing and chicks for free,” I thought they were referring to actual baby chickens (and I wondered how expensive they were if they were singing about getting them for free).
  • My house in Philly only had one bathroom — upstairs — so there were times when I was downstairs and, rather than climbing the steps, I peed in the kitchen sink. The same is true of being in the basement and peeing in the wash basin. Still, it’s better than my neighbor at the time, whom I caught peeing out his backdoor into the sewer drain. I guess his sink was full of dishes.
  • As a kid, I couldn’t say the word “sphere.” The sph sound was a mountain for me. I would say, “Sa-pa-here.” I had to take special speech lessons for it.
  • I’ve tried and tried and tried, but I just can’t penetrate certain classic works of literature and poetry, like Leaves of Grass and The Road Not Taken. I’m dumb.
  • In 6th grade (1992), we took a field trip to the Twin Towers in New York City. I wanted a switchblade comb from the gift shop, but I couldn’t afford it, so I stole it. I think it was $10.
  • Early in my career, I had a huge crush on my boss. One night, we were out drinking and I announced this to her. Fortunately, she was cool about it.
  • In the mid-’90s, during the early days of the Internet when we had dial-up connections and it took twenty minutes to download a picture, there were no tubes or YouPorn, so the various porn sites were sketchy. Long story short, I went to so many of these sites that I basically fried my parents’ desktop computer. They never said anything to me, but they did complain about it to my sister, who then told me. It was awkward.
  • I went to Catholic school for first and second grade and there was no playground or anything for recess. All we could do was jump rope, play tag or race. My friends and I raced each other constantly. Once, in second grade, I beat the fastest kid (because he had just run like 20 in a row) and, as I was celebrating and yelling, I bumped into a girl and my teeth came down on her ear and nearly severed it off. The nuns, being understanding as always, interrogated me as to why I would purposely and savagely bite off a nice girl’s ear. I got in trouble for a freak accident. That’s Catholicism for you.
  • I once dropped my phone in the toilet because I was texting while manscaping my privates.

Christopher Pierznik is the author of eight books, all of which can be purchased in paperback and Kindle. His work has appeared on XXL, Cuepoint, Business Insider, The Cauldron, and many more. He has been quoted on Buzzfeed and Deadspin. Subscribe to his monthly reading review newsletter or follow him on Facebook or Twitter.

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2 thoughts on “Embarrassing Confessions

  1. Pingback: Week in Review (November 13, 2015) | The Passion of Christopher Pierznik

  2. Pingback: My Very Best Writing from 2015 | The Passion of Christopher Pierznik

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